I wrote this when I was very low. I hope it might help to explain how depression feels, at least to me.
I sat by the pond today. I say pond where others
might say lake; to me the pool of grey water, dappled with long grasses and
framed by ragged green, only had the stature of a pond. Ducks traversed in the
water, sending out smooth circles of movement. Their slick feathers were dark grey,
tinged with black tips. In the air there was ripples of chatter. Stones poked up through the
pond, although in parts there was only water. I imagined putting my hand down
into the murky water, diving down into the thick mud - stones and weeds underneath. On the
surface it reflected a fiercely blue sky, no clouds to break up the colour.
A free day. I had nothing to do. I sat by
the pond alone, without direction. A pretty day; the sun warm on my ankles, a
fresh breeze colouring my cheeks. Emptiness rattled around inside me, a pinball
bouncing off my sides. I thought about all the things I could be doing, better
things, more normal things, things that would make me whole. I thought about
reading again, filling myself up with something. I thought about writing again,
pouring myself out. I only sat. I watched a small, scruffy duck turn on its
side, flipping its head beneath the water. I looked up at the sky. I looked at
the time. I dug my fingers into the grass beneath me. I think, I think, I
thought, I am, I am not, I think, I think, I thought, I wish I was, I wasn’t, I
can, I can’t, I think, I think, I thought, I try, I’m trying. I think, I think,
I thought, I feel hopeless - I hope. There is nothing here. I am doing nothing. I am less than nothing, a
negative force. It pulls inward, it tugs at me and I struggle.
This is it: the way I treat myself. Treat. It happens all
the time now and I’m not sure why, or I am, or I could be, or I’m not. It’s
just how I am. How I have always been.
I let that nothingness coil carefully around me. I block
myself in, thought on top of thought balanced like heavy bricks. I don’t have
the energy to push them.
Today I sat by the pond and watched the ducks. How about you?
