Thinking

Today I thought about how I was always thinking
what could be better in me
slimmer, shiner
like what other people have.

If my days could be more meaningful
I would fill them up
with realised dreams
and good wishes.

There's something about New Year.
It makes you think about
everything you've done
and everything you've
not yet become.

Two sides of me toil
in bitter silence
tugging at each other
like melted tar.

Trigger Unhappy: Weight

Today I made the decision to weigh myself. I knew that the news wouldn't be good - just after Christmas is always a damage limitation zone. I also knew that I wasn't being a very good friend to myself because I knew how it would make me feel. If there is one thing that can bring my mood crashing right down it's knowing that I weigh more. I did it anyway. I suppose it's partly because I felt I had to know, partly because it's what I have always done and partly to give own self a scolding.

Rationally I don't know why I place such meaning on the flickering number on the scales - when other people gain weight I almost never think they look bad. That said, I always notice. I used to be obsessed with watching other people eat. I still parallel the people I'm with, berating myself if I eat more than they do, stiff with sadness if I have to make up excuses as to why I'm not hungry.

After everything I've been through there are some things I know. Firstly I know that this is a learned behaviour from a long time ago, when I learnt thin = good. I was a twelve year old writing in my diary about how I needed to lose weight. When you do people tell you look great. 'You've lost weight', unless you are suffering from an illness, seems always to be a compliment. The same magazines that tell you to be proud of your figure advocate weight loss and dieting. I stopped reading them along time ago, but the message rolls around at the back of you. Thin = good, not thin = not good.

I weigh more than I did and I am not happy about it. If I hadn't been through almost two decades of this, if I hadn't gotten help, I know what I would believe. I am not thin (although it must be said no matter how much I weight I lost I never felt content and never believed I was thin) therefore I am not good. That's what I would be thinking right now. It would curl up in my stomach and purr cruelly at me every time I even thought about eating. The thing is now I don't feel like it matters so much. And I'm not sure how I feel about feeling that.  I'm not driven to hurt myself the way I used to, because my depression is under control. Mostly. It makes me nervous knowing that some of the habits I had then, when I spoke to myself in riddles of hatred, I might have to use now. Dieting after having an eating disorder is like walking on the side of a bridge, praying that you fall inside it - not off it- if you stumble.

"What a strange illusion it is, that beauty is goodness."

Miss D x

I hope

Today has gone quickly. 

I hope you have experienced some glimmers of joy this Christmas 

I hope they continue

I hope that you feel a little positive about the world 

I hope that you enjoy listening to this song as much as I do

Merry Christmas 

Miss D x

Struggles and Sparkle

Last Christmas Eve I spent time half writing a children's story. I wasn't in the best place. Mostly I felt like crying and you can't cry in front of your cheerful family for no reason at all. Not at Christmas anyway. It felt good to escape into something else. Writing calms me, centres me, helps me to understand what's going on. It comes naturally to me. If you have trouble chilling - just being - sometimes like I do I have a few other suggestions for helping.

1. Running/Walking 

Daylight hours are so important! Running works. I'd love to say even a ten minute walk will make you feel slightly better - sometimes it does make me feel lonely but I'm always grateful for the change of scene. Although I love my music sometimes it's also important to go headphone free and give yourself a chance to hear the world.

2. Colouring/Art

Choose a picture. Sit and colour.

3. Rocking Out 

Listen to something completely stupid and dance your socks off. Endorphins matter.

With hope and a Merry (almost) Christmas

Miss D
x

Life and Death

Sometimes things on the cusp of mortality hurtle in, swift winds riling the world with a full kind of sorrow. This week has been one of those weeks. On Saturday I discovered someone I used to work with tragically passed away: he was the loveliest man. At the same time my best friend had a beautiful baby boy, eight weeks before he was due. On Sunday they thought they'd have to operate on his tiny tummy. Then today there was a terrible, freak accident in Glasgow. It easily could have been me, or anyone I know, just in the wrong place at the wrong time. A victim of circumstance. I can't imagine how those affected are coping, to me it still seems unreal. 

At times like this I have the same thoughts I always have - that I should be incredibly grateful to be living and to be safe. It's like I'm jolted out of things and my problems seem so minute, so trivial, that I become ashamed to think or speak about them. Then they lurk, at the back or me, growing slowly into darkness. This year I finally understood it. When you suffer from anxiety or depression it's all that exists. It's not trivial, because you can't see past it. It's also not a choice. 

That's why I know, perhaps today more than ever, how important it is to fight to make it better. Time, quality time, is up for grabs. 

Miss D x

Positive Vibes

Five things that help me stay positive 

1) Dancing in my flat 

2) Going for walks to get my daylight hours 

3) Positive, caring people

4) Listening to James Brown and Etta James 

5) Looking at this hat

When I'm not positive it's because I can't see anything in colour. Tiny things help. I like to know if I can stay positive I can help to other people. #happything

How To Cope: #happything

Last February was when I cracked. I couldn't keep it in any longer, when my little sister asked me how I was I squeaked out "Not good", heated and violent tears tumbling down my cheeks. The next day she suggested that maybe if we shared one thing every day that made us feel happy it would help. Not a solution, but something. I found it centred me, rooted me more firmly to the ground. I still try to do it - here are some of my happy things.

How the sky looks 

Loving yoga 

Being kinder to myself

Buying a sunflower for my sister

#happything 

#memories

#hope